


as if nothing really matters

by A_Hundred_Jewels



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, No Plot, SnowBaz, Texting, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2020-02-29 23:23:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18788371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Hundred_Jewels/pseuds/A_Hundred_Jewels
Summary: A post-college normal-AU text fic about Simon, Baz, Penny and other Watfordians.





	1. baz hates his job

**Author's Note:**

> So, I originally got the idea to do a text fic from reading Loading Message by Solange_lol, (which, if you haven't read, you should). I thought it seemed like fun, so I'm giving it a try. Please note that I can't figure out how to use italics, so that's why nothing's italicized. 
> 
> I'm also not really sure if I like this chapter much. So far, I like my draft for the second one more. If you hate this one, please know that I'm planning to make it better. 
> 
> I do not own these characters. They belong to Rainbow Rowell, and we all love her for making them. 
> 
>  
> 
> Simon = DumbLuck  
> Baz = SmartLuck  
> Penny = TheQueen  
> Micah = I’mAmerican  
> Dev = Why  
> Niall = Nails  
> Trixie = TrixieDust  
> Keris = Kerisene  
> Agatha = HelloIt’sMe

3:02 pm  
~SmartLuck to life sucks~

SmartLuck: I hate my job

SmartLuck: everyone i work with is annoying

Kerisene: where do you even work?

SmartLuck: target

I’mAmerican: I am offended! We’re coworkers!

SmartLuck: …

SmartLuck: ok our shifts have overlapped maybe twice. We have pretty much never worked together

I’mAmerican: fine

Kerisene: aw i love target

HelloIt’sMe: i guess its fine

Kerisene: Agatha, you’re always so enthusiastic

HelloIt’sMe: I’m mellow

~HelloIt’sMe has gone offline~

DumbLuck: I love my job

SmartLuck: you would. He’s the world’s most enthusiastic barista

DumbLuck: i get to make coffee and be friendly. Baz’s nightmare

DumbLuck: baz i can tell you’re rolling your eyes

SmartLuck: of course i was

DumbLuck: one point to team simon

TheQueen: I can’t believe I turned on my phone for this

TheQueen: also, simon, if we’re going to be roommates, then you CAN’T LEAVE THE MILK ON THE COUNTER BEFORE YOU GO TO WORK

DumbLuck: oops

SmartLuck: haha really snow. You’re smart

DumbLuck: you’re mean

TheQueen: excuse me

DumbLuck: not you. You have a reason. I was referring to my irritating boyfriend

SmartLuck: I’M irritating??!!

DumbLuck: ok fair

DumbLuck: baz are you texting at work

SmartLuck: a little bit

DumbLuck: you’re “a little bit” texting at work

DumbLuck: really baz

SmartLuck: i don’t even care

Kerisene: these customers aren’t going to target themselves!

SmartLuck: I’m ignoring you, keris

SmartLuck: work is boring

DumbLuck: miss u too

SmartLuck: that’s not what i said

TheQueen: baz we all knew

DumbLuck: go back to work baz. You’ll see me this afternoon anyway

Nail: reeeeeeaaaalllllyyyyy. Innnnnttteeerrrreeesstttiinnnggg

SmartLuck: now im ignoring you too niall. Thanks

SmartLuck: fine snow ill go back to work

Kerisene: im enjoying this so much

~SmartLuck has gone offline~


	2. traffic lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon = DumbLuck  
> Baz = SmartLuck  
> Penny = TheQueen  
> Micah = I’mAmerican  
> Dev = Why  
> Niall = Nails  
> Trixie = TrixieDust  
> Keris = Kerisene  
> Agatha = HelloIt’sMe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here is the second chapter! (the traffic light joke was donated by my friend, though i dont know where she got it from). anyways, i hope you enjoy, and let me knnow what your thoughts are in the comments

11:22 pm  
~DumbLuck to life sucks~

DumbLuck: baz

SmartLuck: snow

DumbLuck: what did one traffic light say to the other?

SmartLuck: i thought this was going somewhere else…

SmartLuck: idk. “Oh crap, there you are” seems appropriate

DumbLuck: no obviously not!

DumbLuck: it saaaaaaiiiidd “don’t look at me while im changing!”

SmartLuck: really snow

DumbLuck: yes really! And that’s a wonderful joke!

DumbLuck: i heard it today! And i laughed!

HelloIt’sMe: you to are the absolute worst

HelloIt’sMe: simon, how did i go out with you for two years

DumbLuck: offended

HelloIt’sMe: simon, you always offended

DumbLuck: well, everyone’s offensive

TheQueen: bloody hell, you guys

TheQueen: there’s a TIME and a PLACE

TheQueen: if the TIME is past ten, then the PLACE is not on any group chat the includes penny

TheQueen: goodbye

~TheQueen has gone offline~

~HelloIt’sMe has gone offline~

 

~DumbLuck to SmartLuck~

DumbLuck: my roommate’s scary

SmartLuck: i would say that im scared of nothing and all that, but it just you, so i will admit that she is a bit frightening

DumbLuck: why couldn’t you come over tonight like usual?

SmartLuck: i told you a million times

SmartLuck: Fiona’s got a night home from work, so she wanted us to have a night together

SmartLuck: i believe her exact words were: baz, surely you can take a night off from snogging your boyfriend to get drunk with your aunt

DumbLuck: awww she misses you

DumbLuck: does she know that a) you’re not drunk and b) your texting me

SmartLuck: hell, no. She passed out like a half hour ago. Work has made her soft

DumbLuck: haha i love fiona

SmartLuck: she used to hate you!?

DumbLuck: YOU used to hate me

SmartLuck: still do

DumbLuck: no you don’t

SmartLuck: fine i don’t

SmartLuck: dont tell

DumbLuck: tell who? I cant think of a single person except maybe a stranger who would believe that you still hate me 

SmartLuck: ok you’re probably right

DumbLuck: ha i win

DumbLuck: also, can i come over tomorrow night? Or is fiona still there?

SmartLuck: she wont be there. Why, though?

SmartLuck: you can but why

DumbLuck: penny’s going out with micah

DumbLuck: and the flat’s weird when im by myself

SmartLuck: mine too

SmartLuck: the whole place creaks

DumbLuck: only when its just you?

SmartLuck: i dont know! 

SmartLuck: It doesn’t bother me enough for me to notice it when there’s other people

DumbLuck: read - me

SmartLuck: also its past midnight

DumbLuck: ha you didnt correct me!

DumbLuck: crap. I think i have a morning shift tomorrow

Smartluck: go to sleep!

DumbLuck: i will. Night baz

SmartLuck: night, simon

~DumbLuck has gone offline~

~SmartLuck has gone offline~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! if you have any suggestions for upcoming chapters, please let me know. also, i always appreciate any sort of comment :)


	3. the most random chapter ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon = DumbLuck  
> Baz = SmartLuck  
> Penny = TheQueen  
> Micah = I’mAmerican  
> Dev = Why  
> Niall = Nails  
> Trixie = TrixieDust  
> Keris = Kerisene  
> Agatha = HelloIt’sMe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the strange update. i just wanted to include more penny and agatha. better ones coming!

5:04 am

~TheQueen to HelloIt’sMe~

TheQueen: hi aggie

HelloIt’sMe: um, hello

HelloIt’sMe: dont call me aggie

TheQueen: alrighty then

HelloItsMe: also why are you up at five in the morning

HelloIt’sMe: i thought you were trying to get you ten hours or something

TheQueen: well, i was

TheQueen: then i woke up

HelloIt’sMe: and?

TheQueen: thats all. Its a pretty boring story

HelloIt’sMe: why’d you text me?

TheQueen: i got bored

HelloIt’sMe: and you texted ME?

HelloIt’sMe: not your boyfriend or simon

TheQueen: can we talk about something else?

HelloIt’sMe: you’re the one who texted me

TheQueen: true

TheQueen: so… how are you?

HelloIt’sMe: Penelope, that’s not how you start a spontaneous conversation

HelloIt’sMe: let me give you a lesson

TheQueen: how is there a right way to start a spontaneous conversation at five am?

HelloIt’sMe: there is not a right way. There is, however, a better way than yours

HelloIt’sMe: first, think of a color

TheQueen: red

HelloIt’sMe: penny, you’re not supposed to say it

TheQueen: who made these rules, exactly?

HelloIt’sMe: next, think of a band

TheQueen: why dont you

HelloIt’sMe: because im teaching you. honestly bunce, you took a bazillion college classes TheQueen: no, the band “why dont you”

HelloIt’sMe: penny, thats not a band

TheQueen: yes it is

TheQueen: they have an album called 8 letters or something

HelloIt’sMe: o my god penny you’re hopeless 

HelloIt’sMe: thats “why dont we”

HelloIt’sMe: not why dont you

HelloIt’sMe: honestly penny, do you live under a rock

TheQueen: excuuuuuuuseee meeeee

TheQueen: it is impolite to make fun of your Student

TheQueen: so my color is red and my band is why dont we

TheQueen: now what

HelloIt’sMe: now think of a song by someone else

TheQueen: borderline by madonna

HelloIt’sMe: ok 

HelloIt’sMe: now google all three of those in one search then put “fanart” at the end

TheQueen: like “red why dont we borderline-madonna fanart”

HelloIt’sMe: yup

TheQueen: erm ok

TheQueen: i did that. Now what

HelloIt’sMe: now go into images and find the one with the most of the color you said

TheQueen: ok

TheQueen: i found a few, but none of them are very interesting. There are a lot of madonna singing in a red dress

TheQueen: what do i do now

HelloIt’sMe: now type the entire story of what you just did into a text- including what you searched and why you searched it- and send it to someone

HelloIt’sMe: or just find a meme and send that

HelloIt’sMe: that’s usually what i do

TheQueen: so you made me do all of that 

TheQueen: instead of just saying “find a good meme”

HelloIt’sMe: yeah, kind of

TheQueen: why??!!

HelloIt’sMe: i kind of wanted to see what you’d come up with

HelloIt’sMe: my friend, minty, did this to me 

HelloIt’sMe: i came up with “pink, one direction, all i want for christmas is you-mariah carey fanart”

HelloIt’sMe: i had to scroll a bit, but i found a picture of an old man with a pink shirt and heart shaped sunglasses. I thought it was kind of funny, so i used it as my homescreen for a while

TheQueen: you have a friend named Minty?

HelloIt’sMe: seriously that’s what you focus on

TheQueen: yes

TheQueen: who is this minty

HelloIt’sMe: she’s my friend from home

HelloIt’sMe: we grew up together

HelloIt’sMe: that’s really all there is to say

HelloIt’sMe: are you still there?

TheQueen: yeah i just cant think of anything to say

TheQueen: hang on a second

~TheQueen added HelloIt’sMe, SmartLuck, and DumbLuck to a group~

~TheQueen named the group “the beatles”~

SmartLuck: seriously penny

HelloIt’sMe: ditto

DumbLuck: hi penny!

TheQueen: simon remains faithful to me

TheQueen: only simon

TheQueen: now i have to go

TheQueen: bye

DumbLuck: well that was anticlimactic

SmartLuck: agreed

HelloIt’sMe: yeah i thought she had something more in mind

HelloIt’sMe: im leaving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! any suggestions for later chapters are more than welcome. let me know your thoughts in the comments!


	4. i told you to keep the snails away from the cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon = DumbLuck  
> Baz = SmartLuck  
> Penny = TheQueen  
> Micah = I’mAmerican  
> Dev = Why  
> Niall = Nails  
> Trixie = TrixieDust  
> Keris = Kerisene  
> Agatha = HelloIt’sMe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i realize it's been three months since i updated this. good for me :)
> 
> i do not own these characters. they belong to rainbow rowell. 
> 
> Enjoy!!! :)

4:01 pm

DumbLuck to “the beatles”

DumbLuck: hello

SmartLuck: snow why

DumbLuck: im making use of this ridiculous groupchat

DumbLuck: its like charity

TheQueen: guess what

HelloIt’sMe: why the hell am i here

TheQueen: Agatha, you complete us

~HelloIt’sMe has gone offline~

TheQueen: so i was in line getting coffee this morning

SmartLuck: scintillating

TheQueen: shut up baz

TheQueen: and this guy in front of me was having the weirdest conversation

DumbLuck: you were eavesdropping

SmartLuck: way to go bunce

TheQueen: i wasn’t EAVESDROPPING! I was simply standing there and not being deaf! He was loud!

SmartLuck: what was he saying

DumbLuck: baz!

SmartLuck: just tell us it could be good

TheQueen: so first he was just saying yes and nodding a lot

SmartLuck: dreadfully suspicious, bunce

TheQueen: and then he SCREAMED into his phone “WHAT THE HELL HARRIET”

TheQueen: and I about jumped out of my skin because of course i did

TheQueen: Then, this guy starts crouching like he realized how stupidly loud he was being and thought that acting like an idiot would make up for acting like and idiot

DumbLuck: baz is snorting

SmartLuck: no im not!

DumbLuck: i want to know what harriet did

TheQueen: so did i! So i kept listening

TheQueen: now this bloke started talking in a reaally low voice and he sounded really angry and he said “there’s a REASON those cookies were in the window, young lady”

TheQueen: meanwhile the line is starting to move forward and Phone Guy is holding a sandwich and a carrot juice

TheQueen: Then he says “harriet i asked you to keep the snails away from the cookies. We all know what they do with their shells”

DumbLuck: what kind of life is this bloke living?

SmarLuck: an unfortunate one, clearly

TheQueen: so the cashier calls out “next” because phone guy wont move and he’s still whispering into his phone about snails

TheQueen: and i wanted my fucking coffee thank you very much so i tapped his shoulder and this guy has the nerve to startle like a crumpled leaf when ive been waiting fifteen minutes to order my coffee

SmartLuck: never come between penelope and her coffee

TheQueen: precisely

TheQueen: Phone Guy then turned around and LOOKED AT ME like I had PERSONALLY OFFENDED HIM and STUCK HIS TONGUE OUT AT ME

TheQueen: So naturally i stuck my tongue out at him

DumLuck: oh penny

TheQueen: then the cashier rolled her eyes and shouted “NEXT” really loudly so then the entire population of that cafe turned and saw me sticking my tongue out at this son of a bitch with a huge iphone in his hand. 

TheQueen: and you all know that i dont get embarassed but apparently he did because he suddenly turned bright red and whispered into his phone (but this guy cant fucking whisper so everyone heard it) “ill be home soon try to keep the you-know-what from multiplying”

TheQueen: then he stomped forward in line and slammed his carrot juice and sandwich down on the counter because apparently, why not

TheQueen: the best part is that he was obviously trying to be discreet by saying “the you-know-what” (im guessing he meant the snails but who knows, honestly)

TheQueen: it made him sound so much dodgier though

TheQueen: and then I got my coffee. Marshmallow-coconut latte. The End.

SmartLuck: bravo bunce

DumbLuck: penny ewwwwww marshmallow-coconut latte??? All that for the most disgusting drink on the planet?????

SmartLuck: that does actually sound kind of weird

TheQueen: you dont get a say baz. You drink pumpkin mocha breves. That is the epitemy of awfulness 

DumbLuck: why cant either of you just drink normal coffee? Like, with milk and sugar or something?

SmartLuck: because we’re Cultured

TheQueen: and we have a sense of adventure that happens to mostly show up when we’re in starbucks

SmartLuck: that’s frighteningly accurate

DumbLuck: mine shows up in tesco. Thats why penny and i ended up with those awful scented paper towels

TheQueen: curse us. Curse us all. 

SmartLuck: amen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclosure: i have actually never had a marshmallow-coconut latte. if any of yall have had one please let me know what its like. 
> 
> i'm very boring; i dont even drink coffee. the other day my girlfriend got this pumpkin spiced ice coffee from dunkin donuts and i tried it and i barely managed to swallow it, it was so bad. (she thought it was hilarious). anyway when i was writing the bit with penny's latte i just looked up "flavored lattes" and that's what i found.
> 
> thanks for reading! please leave a comment or a kudos :)


	5. guess what... they have netflix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon = DumbLuck  
> Baz = SmartLuck  
> Penny = TheQueen  
> Micah = I’mAmerican  
> Dev = Why  
> Niall = Nails  
> Trixie = TrixieDust  
> Keris = Kerisene  
> Agatha = HelloIt’sMe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooo two months since my last update :|  
> sorry for the short chapter  
> these characters belong to rainbow rowell

6:38 pm

~SmartLuck to “the beatles”~

SmartLuck: simon is crying

DumbLuck: NO IM NOT

HelloIt’sMe: wait really

SmartLuck: Agatha has surfaced

DumbLuck: im not crying i left my eyes open too long because i was WATCHING THE MOVIE UNLIKE SOME PEOPLEE

HelloIt’sMe: generic excuse

SmartLuck: we watched love, simon

SmartLuck: and i was too watching the movie

DumbLuck: you kept checking your phone

SmartLuck: because niall kept texting me!

DumbLuck: SO TURN YOUR PHONE OFF

SmartLuck: why though

HelloIt’sMe: wait are you guys in the same room?!

DumbLuck: no

SmartLuck: yes

DumbLuck: im entirely under the blanket that counts 

SmartLuck: it does not

TheQueen: yeah it doesn’t count

HelloIt’sMe: penny do you just like show up to deliver your opinion randomly

SmartLuck: yes

DumbLuck: yes

TheQueen: yes

TheQueen: and now i am leaving

~TheQueen has gone offline~

HelloIt’sMe: me too

HelloIt’sMe: i have to binge watch friends before they take it off of netflix

~HelloIt’sMe has gone offline~

DumbLuck: baz

SmartLuck: simon

DumbLuck: are we weird

SmartLuck: no we cant have that conversation over text

SmartLuck: too much typing

DumbLuck: mm ok yeah

DumbLuck: want to watch frozen now

SmartLuck: yes always

DumbLuck: we’re like what would happen if olaf dated elsa

SmartLuck: no simon that's weird 

SmartLuck: get out from under the blanket idiot

SmartLuck: im cold and you’re hogging it

SmartLuck: wait why are we still texting

DumbLuck: farewell groupchat

~DumbLuck has gone offline~

~SmartLuck has gone offline~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha so i watched love, simon a wee while ago and i was thinking about simon and baz watching it so here this is!  
> also i watched frozen and frozen 2 and elsa reminded me of baz a little for some reason  
> hope you guys enjoyed this! leave a comment! please!

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you liked that. Please let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
